It’s Valentine’s Day! The ultra commercial holiday with an origin shrouded in mystery (i.e. No one knows or cares where it came from) which celebrates that most intriguing of human emotions, love. Let’s be honest, you can’t mention love without giving a shout out to it’s rowdy, disgusting, evil twin sibling sex. Who, sadly, often gets mistaken for love, with disastrous consequences for all involved.

They say sex sells and this cannot be truer anywhere else more than in the multi billion dollar porn industry where sex is sold in its purest form… in front of a camera. Pornography has corrupted almost of all of our treasured institutions. The sanctity of marriage, the idea of romance, and sex itself have to name a few, but that was long ago. Now porn has moved on to corrupting what we hold most sacred, privacy in the bathroom and, most recently and most controversially, the sweet, sweet concept of revenge.

Somewhere along the way in its path of destruction, porn managed to get hold of our favourite TV shows and films and turn them in to weapons of mass corruption in the form of the Porn Parody. After hours and hours of gruelling *cough* research, I’ve managed to compile the list of Top 10 Porn Parodies!

Note: List is based on how well the original show/film is parodied and whether or not the original warranted a porn version. NOT MASTURBATABILITY if you’re a pervert looking to justify spending £20 for a wank. Besides they all do the job.

(An open letter to the Oxford English Dictionary,

If “masturbatability” is not entered in to the English language for the 2016 edition there will be a strongly worded letter arriving at your door the likes of which you’ve never seen.

Yours Sincerely

Stupid Top Tens)

No.10 Foreskin Gump (Forrest Gump)

Starting our list off is the parody of the feelgood film of 1994 about a good hearted, lovable simpleton who witnesses or influences the defining moments of the 20^th century. Right off the bat I could tell this would be awful. A porn version of a film about a person with borderline mental disabilities was never going to be brilliant.

Plot Summary: The film starts off with Foreskin’s mother trading “favours” to some kind of education officer or something to get her son in to the public school system. That’s literally it in terms of plot, it doesn’t move on from there. The “Story” is over within 5 minutes, the other 75 are filled with unexplained sex scenes that have little to nothing to do with the original Forrest Gump plot.

Highlights: None

Lowlights:

• Awful, Awful title

• As previously mentioned, someone with special needs isn’t a suitable topic for a porno

• Bubba is white

No.9 Sex Trek: Charly XXX (Star Trek)

At 9 is the film perverted Trekkies had been waiting for since the franchise’s inception. A Star Trek parody had potential to place highly on this list because it’s such an easy target but this title sadly falls short.

Plot Summary: The crew of the “Starship Intercourse” (eurghh they only get worse) set’s out to rescue crash survivor Charly Walker from “Space Station 69” (I told you). It turns out Charly has powers to transmit her consciousness to other people and tends make them have sex. The crew then have sex with each other in varying combinations, occasionally with Charly controlling some one, and nothing actually happens.

Highlights:

• Jokes are made about the low quality set/production value.

• Mr Sperm (Fake Spock) has Green semen

• Captain “Quirk” is pretty funny and has woman’s body for a short while with some of the worst visual effects I’ve ever seen.

Lowlights:

• The awful sex puns “Intercourse”, “Station 69” “Jackov”(or Jackoff, however you want to spell it, either way it’s fake Chekov)

• Awful sound effects/general low production value

• The attempt at a story just stops halfway through

No.8 Scooby Doo: XXX Parody

This really only makes it on the list because it’s a childhood ruiner, and it’s also funny in places. It doesn’t really parody Scooby Doo much at all.

Plot Summary: Shaggy wakes up after a party and has lost Scooby Doo, then goes looking for him at another party and earns his nickname. (get it Shaggy – “Shag”, Never mind) Then Shaggy and the rest of Mystery Inc. search a mansion in hope of finding Scooby Doo. To cut a long story short they all have sex repeatedly and there’s a masked killer in the house. SPOILER ALERT: In the end it turns out that Scooby Doo crashed at his nephew Scrappy Doo’s house.

Highlights:

• References to the fact that Fred and Daphne were definitely getting it on in the originals without ever saying

• Has a cliché corridor chase scene

• The ending is pretty funny

• No bestiality

Lowlights:

• It didn’t say “I’d have got away with it, it wasn’t for you meddling kids”

• The villain isn’t revealed to be someone the gang knew all along

• Velma didn’t lose her glasses

• Not as good as the Johnny Bravo crossover

No.7 The Simpsons: XXX Parody

Honestly as a Simpsons fan, watching this was the worst hour and a half of my life but because it’s so weird and surreal it places at number 7.

Plot Summary: erm. None really. It starts of with a shady deal going down under a bridge where a non yellow man trades bag of doughnuts is traded for “Homer & Marge Sex Tape”. The rest of the film is just a handful of Simpsons characters in unrelated sex scenes. Characters included: Homer and Marge Simpson, McBain, Moe Syzlack and Cookie Kwan.

Highlights:

• Makes several Simpsons references

• The paint jobs on the actors is “extensive”

• As previously mentioned, it’s so weird and surreal it has to be good

Lowlights:

• The attempt at the voices are just awful (Except for Moe, that guy did a good job)

• The person who played Homer and who voiced Homer are different and it’s awfully dubbed. Even though you don’t see Homer’s face in the whole film, you can tell that it’s dubbed over, woefully

• The above point is worth 2 it’s that bad

• The following characters were not in it: Duff Man, Disco Stu, Old Gil and Hans Moleman

No.6 The Penetrator (Terminator)

The first parody in our list that actually has a story that it sticks to all the way through. Which isn’t that hard when it’s copying another film but credit where it’s due, none of the other films featured so far managed to do it.

Plot Summary: Replace the word terminate with with impregnate for the original plot and you’ve pretty much got it. (The Penetrator must impregnate Fake Sarah Connor so she cannot give birth to Fake John Connor to lead the human resistance against the machines. Ron Jeremy also travels back in time to stop Sarah Connor from getting “penetrated”. But will he make it in time?)

Highlights:

• The Penetrator has a Terminator style Head Up Display

• The Penetrator wears sunglasses for the entire film

• Ron Jeremy isn’t naked

Lowlights:

• Ron Jeremy is just depressing to look at

• There’s a borderline rape scene but she does eventually consent

• “The Sperminator” would have been a better title in my opinion

No.5 The Walking Dead: A Hardcore Parody

I don’t know why but I found this genuinely entertaining outside of the sex scenes, kind of like how The Walking Dead is entertaining when there aren’t zombies around, or when there isn’t the suspense of zombies possibly being around. Anyway it’s in the top 5.

Plot Summary: Pretty much seasons 1 & 2 rammed in to 2 hours with less characters and lots of sex (SPOILER ALERT (seriously if you haven’t seen The Walking Dead these are spoilers): Rick wakes up from coma, leaves hospital to find family. Lori is banging Shane, Carl and Sophia are about to bang but the zombie come and get Sophia (Don’t worry they aren’t kids in this version). Rick finds Lori and Shane banging. Shane dies. They go to find Sofia so Carl can bang her. They find Sofia and Carl bangs her. Andrea is also there. Daryl is in it for one scene and has nothing to do with the rest of them.)

Highlights:

• Decent looking zombies

• Zombies still look and act like zombies during the sex scenes

• Zombies are killed by swallowing semen (That’s pretty funny and a creative way of making this a porno)

Lowlights:

• Characters who are kids in the TV series have sex in this. To be clear they aren’t kids in this version, but it’s still weird when you know they should be

No.4 Big Bang Theory: XXX Parody

At 4 it’s the parody of everyone’s favourite nerdy comedy, The Big Bang Theory (Or as I like to call it, Poor man’s Friends). A sitcom about nerds who aren’t very good with women and has a typical girl next door in it is pretty much ready made for a porn version and this is a pretty decent attempt.

Plot Summary: The 4 nerds have no luck with women so do some research and come to the conclusion that to get girls to have sex with them, they need to “tell girls what they want to hear”. They do so, and they all get lucky.

Highlights:

• Awful laughing track (definitely a highlight not a lowlight)

• Terrible jokes (As above)

• Despite the jokes not being very good, it does capture Big Bang Theory pretty well

• Fake Howard’s cosplay for Comic Con is Ninja Hefner

• Fake Leonard and Fake Penny’s sex scene is surprisingly tasteful and romantic (Well, it’s no Titanic or Pretty Woman but for porn it’s about as good as you’re gonna get)

Lowlights:

• Fake Raj is white

• That’s worth 2, there’s got to be at least one Indian looking porn actor in the world, or at least one that can do a decent Indian accent

No.3 Buffy The Vampire Slayer: XXX Parody

I’ve never seen Buffy the Vampire slayer (film or TV series) but I enjoyed this enough to give it the Bronze Medal. I’m even considering watching the originals now I enjoyed this that much.

Plot Summary: A sexually frustrated Buffy misses her boyfriend Angel (That’s as far as my Buffy knowledge goes) who’s dead or went away or something. So Buffy’s friend Willow casts a spell so she can have one last night with her lost love. But it turns out Willow did the spell wrong and lot’s of un-introduced characters also have sex in their dreams… and she released vampire’s in to the world. Then as the title suggests, Buffy slays the vampires.

Highlights:

• Probably good references to the original TV show or the film

• Surprisingly good acting

• Story to porn ratio wasn’t too heavily in porn’s favour

• Because most of the sex was in dreams, it wasn’t too unrealistic

Lowlights:

• Vampire girls didn’t wear their masks to make them look like vampires for the sex scene they were in. If you’re going to make a porno about vampires at least have them be vampires for the porn bits

• Unnecessary sex scene at the end with someone with a shit English accent called Spike. It has literally nothing to do with the story, I suppose they had to bump up the porn to story ratio

No.2 Friends: XXX Parody

Taking silver is the fantasy everyone who has ever seen Friends has had. If you’re a Friends fan and can honestly tell me you’ve not created the episode “The one where they all shag each other” in your head, then you’re either a liar or not a Friends fan. It’s a show about 3 men and 3 women who are friends, if that doesn’t scream porno then I don’t know what does.

Plot Summary: Fake Ross finds out his wife is a lesbian and Fake Monica and Fake Chandler are getting married. Fake Monica doesn’t want Fake Chandler to have a bachelor party but Fake Phoebe accidentally tells Fake Joey and Fake Ross that she’s having a bachelorette party. So Fake Joey and Fake Ross plan a bachelor party for Fake Chandler. Fake Ross misses the bachelor party because he gets “reconciled” *wink wink* with his wife and her lover. Fake Chandler gets too drunk at the bachelor party and misses the “entertainment” (Which is his future mother in law i.e. Fake Ross and Fake Monica’s mum) who is left alone with Fake Joey. Meanwhile, at the bachelorette party the Fake Monica, Fake Phoebe and Fake Rachel have fun with a stripper.

Highlights:

• Has a good theme song

• Same awful laugh track as the Big Bang Theory parody

• The set looks like the real set

• Fulfils everyone’s fantasy

Lowlights:

• The jokes are really bad (not like the one’s from the Big Bang Theory which are shit, but like jokes in the actual show)

No.1 Deal or No Deal: The Official Parody

I didn’t even have to watch this to know it was going to take the top step of the podium. I can’t think of a show that could possibly warrant a porn version less than this, but they made it anyway. In the end I did watch it and it was terrible, almost as bad as Foreskin Gump in fact, but that isn’t enough to stop it taking the inaugural Stupid Top Ten prize.

Plot Summary: Supposedly unseen clips from the supposedly “Canadian” version.

Highlights:

• It’s easily the most unnecessary porno ever made

• It’s so stupid it can’t possibly be bad

• There’s a pirate in it for some reason

• Noel Edmonds isn’t in it (To be fair anything that doesn’t have Noel Edmonds in is a success in my book)

Lowlights:

• Doesn’t matter, it’s already won

There you have it, the Top 10 Porn Parodies. After putting the hours in to make this list, I never want to see a naked human being or the letter x ever again, I also desperately need to seek medical attention for dehydration and work on my left arm in the gym..

Thanks for reading, have a happy Valentine’s Day whether you’re alone or have a special someone to share it with. Feel free to like, share and comment. Any feedback will be greatly valued. If you have any suggestions for this list, keep them to yourself. I’m done with porn.